I know I'm highly inactive, but IT'S OKAY. MY BLOG MY RULES.
Finals are upon us, and honestly, my grades for the most part are fine. JUST GOTTA TRY HARD. I GO HARD IN THE P-
But anyways, yeah. I'm doing fine. Mostly :)
I've gotten into a fight with someone, and was feeling like poop for a while, and sought consult from a few close friends of mine. And slowly, I started realizing how dependent I am of others. Or maybe how sensitive I am, it's all the same OTL
The fight was about me whining, and he was pointing out a lot of my flaws, and I just felt so uncomfortable. I don't know if my flaws are what defines me to other people, but I wouldn't like to think so. Everyone has flaws, to have someone call them out when you're arguing is common, but not something that's particularly flattering.
I've been trying to improve myself, for my own benefit, but also so that other people can accept me for who I am. It sounds a bit silly, but after my huge down last year, I wanted to improve myself so much. I was either reliant on others to be happy, or so envious of other people's skills that I was always so miserable with myself. I knew I needed to change.
First thing was first was to get my work ethics back up, which for the most part, seems to be working. That's how my grades shot back up after all. I wanted to lose some weight too. For the most part, I didn't really gain that much, but I like my body a certain way. I'm now at my normal body type, and I still eat like always, so nothing really changed. I've also taken interest in different hobbies and skills, to further try to improve myself. I realized that I give up on things too quickly, that's why I wanted to acquire different skills and not give up this time.
But when it comes down to it, I really need to "learn how to be happy". And this REALLY is a problem in my life. Other people affect me so much, because when I get insulted, or thrown shade at, it reminds me of all of the bad things I'm working to get rid of, and I haven't really given up on them. Everyone has their own weaknesses and strengths, and I do acknowledge that to be really happy, you need to be happy with yourself, and I haven't reached that yet. In some ways, I have. I really think I'm pretty for once. After last year's phase of my family "fat-shaming" me, I really hated my body. I didn't really gain too much weight, but I guess they were scared that I would gain more. I really do believe in my looks a lot more now. As for my psychological or... personality flaws, not so much.
Some people see my flaws as something to work on, and some people see my flaws as... reasons to pick fights or to not hang out with me. And the latter always gets to me. It's as though those people are mirrors to the awful parts of myself, and I can't stand looking at that for too long.
I cut some people off again, I don't want to stay away from them permanently, but I want time to find myself properly this time. My boyfriend was discussing how I can go about all of this, and I think this was the best course of action to take for a while.
DON'T GET ME WRONG THOUGH, I'M NOT SEVERELY UNHAPPY, I ENJOY LIFE SO MUCH, 'CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH TO SEE EVERYDAY. But, I think this is my way of... fitting in with life, as great and as bad as it gets. Thanks for reading :)
Alice Lieberg
