Hello!
I've committed to working a bit more until my boyfriend gets outta school. Which is just 2 weeks from now. MONEY MONEY MONEY.
I don't get much at this job, and I need to payback people QQ
BUT I'M STILL IN THE POSITIVE. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS :D
Things get darker from here, so read at your will XD
I don't really get the concept of family. I don't think my family was particularly close growing up, we all had our moments of course. I'd say my family was really strict growing up, I remember a lot of crying, a lot of lectures about my grades and attitude, beatings, stuff like that. I did have the luxury of attending school, being raised in a home and having meals all my life. I'm not stupid to think that my life was the worse thing that could've been.
What I think though, is that they don't really know how to parent. Taking care of a child is one thing, showing affection is another right? Also, my sisters are all more than 10 years older than me, and I always felt like I annoyed them as I grew up.
Anyways, the other day, I got into another argument with my family. It was something minor, but they blew it up so much that I got pissed. Basically, I was holding the door open for my family, but as I was leaving, my finger got stuck 'cause my dad was in the way, so I screamed "Ow!".
WELL SEE, THAT'S WHEN THINGS TURNED DOWNHILL.
"Why did you scream?"
"My finger got stuck 'cause dad was in the way!"
"Dad didn't mean to do it, don't be mad at him."
?
??
???
I WAS HONESTLY SO CONFUSED.
"I screamed 'cause it hurt, not 'cause of that. It just hurt!"
"Well, that's still no reason to make a big deal out of it. There are worse things in life."
?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS CONFUSED. Iunno. I give reactions to when things hurt, iunno 'bout you.
Things escalated from there, and I kinda wished they'd all die out loud. Yeah, I know, das bad. I was mad af.
Like first of all, I don't know why y'all yelling at me. I just said "Ow", LOUDLY, I ADMIT, BUT HEY, IT HURT. I WASN'T BLAMING MY DAD, IT JUST HURT.
Even my dad got on my case, and was like: "If it hurts so much, f*cking cry."
Like goddamn. Until I cursed their existence, I don't see what I did wrong. Imagine having 4 people after your ass, just 'cause your finger hurt a little bit ._. Well, a lot at the time of impact XD
But anywho, that's that.
Oh, I'm really scared of raising a child. One, childbirth frightens me a lot and I am SUPER SENSITIVE TO PAIN.
Secondly, the other day, my sister's kid was crying a lot at night, and the only thing that came to mind was beating that kid 'till she shut up, and when I thought of that, I started crying silently so much.
It frightens me, I don't want to do that to anyone I love. And the fact that that was the only solution I could think of was sad. I'm so scared. I don't want to have kids if those are the only thoughts in my head. I told my boyfriend that I was scared of having kids, 'cause I'm scared I'll hurt them in a way that may parents did, and he told me that's what he was there for. ;~;
Anywho, looking forward to my life :D
I need to make more YouTube videos, but my boyfriend records them, and he's been WORKING HARD. MY BABY ;A;
Toodles~
Alice Lieberg
