I don't really feel like this, but I have considered how life would be without me, and frankly, not much would change. That's just how insignificant one's person's life is. But, I do know that I don't wanna kill myself, I'm scared of death and things will get better eventually. People wouldn't stay sad forever, people live, and they move on.
Recently though, by recently, I mean really recently, things have gone wrong, a bit. I don't really feel at home anymore.
I went out with my sisters the other day, one thing after another happened, and eventually I talked about our parents a bit. One statement, but that brought the biggest shitstorm, and I probably should have never said it. There was a period of time where my parents forgot to leave food behind for me, or thought I would just eat out that day, so there was no food at home, and I ended up eating ramen everyday. Yay~ Healthy eating :D
Well, at the time, maybe I was mad at my parents, but people forget. Plus, I am older now, so I know I can cook food, but I lazy af. ._.
Plus I was at my last semester in college, and I really wanted to pass at the time, since I wanted to move on with my life. But things weren't going well back then, anywhere. I had to spend a lot of time on the computer, since a lot of stuff is online these days, and I spent a lot less time gaming, since my new job took a lot of my time, and studying became a priority to me.
Anyways, when I said that, a shitstorm happened, and frankly, I don't think I should be yelled at for something like that. Let's be real. People forget, and all my sisters are barely at home, or they moved out. So, they couldn't have known. But I got yelled at, a lot. They were saying how parents don't just forget to do that, another person said that my parents are trying to be nicer and I haven't acknowledged that yet, but to be honest, I have.
I'm just not used to it, you know what, my parents weren't the only shitty thing in my life at that time. Everything was, including you guys. I wanted to say that, but I shouldn't always let my emotions get the better of me. But every time I feel like things are getting better, they get worse. And I'm this weak-ass piece of f*ck now, so I cry really often.
Today, I think my sister was still mad at me, but I try not to say anything when people are mad at me, iunno, it just makes things worse most of the time, but I think no matter what I did, things would get worse. She got me McDonalds, and umm... I'm not the best at talking, especially when I know someone is mad at me. I should've said something, now it's way too late, but anyways.
Recap, I asked for a trio, and I wanted to eat it tomorrow, so she said she brought the food, and I didn't say anything, so she got... madder. I started feeling bad, so I tried to eat my food, and I ate the burger, but not the fries, and angrily, and since I'm planning to show this on my Facebook, yes, you said it angrily, and I'll confess now since I suck at talking, I should've said something, but I was scared of getting yelled at more. (I just made it worse though)
So anyways, now I feel really full, and super sad. She started assuming stuff, and saying how I shouldn't just blame her, and you know what, I wasn't. I wasn't saying anything. That causes people to assume stuff, but people shouldn't assume stuff.
Today, as I left my house to get some time for myself, I was thinking how if I ran away, without telling anyone, meaning boyfriend or friends or family, I could live for a week... or more. Maybe a few days. I was... I'm just so tired. I'm back though, 'cause school is important for me if my final answer ten years later is to not look back at my family, or just for my future in general.
I don't feel like safe around some of the people who used to keep me safe, my sisters, and I don't feel safe around the people I was wary around. And I can't just turn to my friends, and drag them into this. I don't know what to do with myself. I wanted to be a cheerful person again, but I f*cking suck at this. I should talk more, but I'm scared of saying anything anymore.
I'm scared that if I keep talking to my friends, they'll get tired of my shit. I'm scared of talking to my own family, for various reasons. I'm scared of talking to my boyfriend, because I know he's busy, and what if he gets annoyed too? He did once when he was stressed :( I don't lie about my own life, unless I was like... young or something.
My birthday is coming up soon, that's pretty cool though. I really want an ice cream cake, so that be really nice. If I don't get one, I'll buy one and share it with a few people :)
I'd like to thank my friends for being there for me though. When I cried on Skype, I'm not sure how annoyed they were, but I'm grateful that they were trying to cheer me up at the time (for the people reading this, it was a while ago). And no matter what you guys think, I'm happy you're trying to be nice to me again, meaning my family. Or just trying to make sure I see it more, I just suck at expressing myself, and I don't know how, and I've always felt awkward around you guys. Now, even more so.
I'm super full now, and I'm gonna go shower since I should, so bye~
Alice Lieberg
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