I'm real tired, but I just wanna let this out.
Have you felt tired of a lot of things? Nothing is new, nothing is fun, it's just rinse, lather and repeat? Yeah, well...
I felt that way for some time, but now it's gone. What's bugging me is all the new stuff happening in my life.
I don't feel like... anything really. I've acted the same way I always have, but it's not reacting the same way. I'm not talking maturity-wise, I'm really uptight on that, or really good at faking it if I have to. It's called growing up, and I've done it. It's just...
Yeah, I have new friends, and well, I guess I've been mean to them really. Or some of them, iunno. And obviously, some I don't like as much as others, but I thought it would be fine that way. I... was childish to think the world thought like me. I was used to the idea really, people I wasn't close with did the same to me. They even talked behind my back, and I found out. Words are empty, so when they apologized, I came back at 'em with empty words.
I guess it is hurtful to know that you don't like a certain person as much as another, but what can I do. ._.
I've had parents that told me I was useless, unwanted and that my dreams won't come true. They even said when they got really pissed that I shouldn't have been born. And I've cried, like endlessly. But I got beat when I cried, 'cause it was a sign of weakness they said. I've grown immune to others opinions, or at least people that I don't care about. That's why everything slips out of my mouth when I talk to other people, I can't do the same at home, sadly, or at least not to my parents. They actually... don't accept me for who I am. It might be hard to swallow, but not everyone is perfect, and my parents are... far from it. Friends are the easy way out, they'll tell you everything is alright, when it might not. And their words aren't empty, considering if your friends aren't just backstabbers, to be honest.
And I've lost friends ever since college. My old elementary school best friend actually. She just... changed too much. And we did keep in contact, it's not one of those "I didn't see her 'till HS was over". She... changed in college. In a bad way. She doesn't care about classes anymore, she tries smoking to "fit in", wearing more... skanky clothes? Iunno. ._.
As for my family, I've tried mending my link to my parents with all my heart, stop blaming them for everything, and honestly, it worked for a while. Until I dunno, maybe my parents were "satisfied" in the change in me that they have the need to complain about everything I do, or am. Like I said before, my dad told me to change my voice, rendering me speechless.
I've also failed my first class ever. *shrugs* It was a downer to me, considering I knew the subject, but still failed.
I've also had a friend who thought I was going to kill her. I... can't interact with her properly anymore. To be fair, she is a depressive patient, so I can't blame her, but I feel like I might... break her if I do anything. I... don't know what to do.
I've also like someone once in HS, but he fell for a... uh... how can I put this in a soft manner? I can't, that girl was a b*tch, even my docile friend cursed, and that means something. ._.
Then someone in college, and I really tried haha. But he went and got a GF, haha. I think she's nice, so so much for the better. :) ((It's what I've heard, I've found no subtle way to inquire about it, so I ask my friends who know her haha))
I'm trying to reason out everything, but it doesn't seem right haha. What I'm trying to get at is:
- I don't hate anyone in this world to the point where I want to hurt them physically, except for that one guy who bullied me throughout elementary school and half of high school. He stopped when I got really pissed. He got... scared, I guess?
- Change is tiring, and growing up is annoying. Sucking it up won't do anything either, will it just pass? I don't know. ._.
- I miss when everything was simple. Well, actually, from the song "Imagination Forest", the words that speak to me are: "The world is surprisingly simple, it's me who's bizarre". At this point, it's what I'll live by haha.
Today was semi-shit haha, maybe that's why I have to let this out. My dad got pissed at me when I said I didn't want a haircut. "It's too long, it's not nice", thanks dad. I don't have half of my social anxiety 'cause of you, I promise. You know what's sad though, I STILL LIKE MY DAD MORE THAN MY MOM.
'cause his mental abuse only started recently. My mom did it throughout my life until I was 17. ._.
Sure, she apologized, but I can't trust her. It's sad. Hell, I was as smart (or am, who knows, we study different things now) as my 3rd sister, who got awards in HS, but people are smarter than me, so I didn't get one. I got an honorary English award, 'cause I have good English (or decent haha, when I don't think, Hell breaks loose), but well... it's not good enough. I mean, she said "congrats" in a small ass voice, but in the car, since she still thought I was stupid concerning my language, she badmouthed me in Khmer. I can't live like this forever. ._. I got an award for community service, but no one gives a damn haha. I didn't really care for it either.
I didn't even invite them to my second award ceremony, I was too sad from the first (by the way, a year had passed, and I was still butthurt). So, I pretended I was going out and left for school. ._. I got awards that time too, haha. Legit ones that they might have liked, like science or math, but I didn't show 'em. I felt that they wouldn't accept it either way haha. So much for being in the elite program, and being in at least the top ten of your class haha. Top 3 got awards, so not me XD
Anywho, I'm sorry for letting this out. I'm just sick and tired of a lot of sh*t. I've released a new video though! Check it out if you like Haikyuu! >.<
Alice Lieberg
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